[Update: I wrote this in October of 2014. It’s been 3 years, and I’m still doing great. Thanks to all of you who continue to check up on me and wish me well!]
It was February 5th, my mother’s birthday and a month before the 20th anniversary of my becoming vegan. I was sitting in a breast surgeon’s office in a paper gown, cradling my biopsied breast and waiting. After about an hour and a half, my surgeon finally appeared, apologizing for keeping me waiting because the results had only just come in. He took a deep breath and said, “You don’t have cancer.” I thought, “I didn’t think I did.” Unfortunately, as I would later find out, we both were wrong.
He went on to explain that the biopsy found abnormal cells, officially called ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS), but often referred to as Stage 0 or pre-cancer. While I was still reeling from the word “carcinoma,” he explained that these cells might become cancer, so they had to be treated like cancer. My options were a lumpectomy with radiation or a mastectomy. I asked whether there was any chance that the pathology report could be wrong, and my doctor said no.
I was stunned. I left in a daze and went over to my husband’s office nearby to give him the news.
Three months before, a routine mammogram had spotted a place that looked different from my last mammogram. I was sent to the Breast Health Center for another mam and then an ultrasound to get a closer look. The spot was so small and deep inside the breast that the ultrasound technician couldn’t find it at all, so I was given an appointment to return in three months. At that three month mammogram, the “spot” was clearly visible even to me as a glowing white circle in a sea of black and gray. A ultrasound-guided biopsy was scheduled for early the next week.
I’d had one of these biopsies four years ago, and that spot had turned out to be nothing but a harmless cyst, so I had been expecting the same results this time. Like most women, I didn’t think “The Big C” could happen to me. But because I was a vegan, I think I was even more positive that I couldn’t have cancer. After all, wasn’t I doing everything the vegan doctors tell us to do to protect ourselves from heart disease and cancer? Low-fat, lots of green and cruciferous vegetables and brightly colored fruit? No animal products? Moreover, no one in my family had ever had cancer. I naively thought I was immune.
So I didn’t really believe the pathology report, and I became even more skeptical when I read an article that said that DCIS is sometimes misdiagnosed. I decided to get a second opinion from one of the doctors mentioned in that article, a pathologist specializing in breast cancer in San Francisco. I had the hospital send him my biopsy slides, and a week later, I had a consultation with him on the phone. He was unable to confirm DCIS or rule out actual cancer because the radiologist who had performed the biopsy had noted that he had actually missed the “mass.” The biopsy needle had gone in front of the suspected tumor and gathered cells from there, just a few that looked abnormal. But until the actual mass was tested, the pathology specialist couldn’t rule out either DCIS or invasive cancer. He suggested I get another, more accurate, biopsy called a stereotactic biopsy, and I asked my doctor to schedule it.
I had high hopes that this second biopsy would show no DCIS and no cancer. Those hopes were shot down when my new medical oncologist called to give me the results: I had a small invasive cancer, Stage 1, that showed signs of being aggressive. She recommended surgery within the next 3-4 weeks. Just to be sure, I had the slides sent to the pathologist in San Francisco, who agreed with her diagnosis.
Snowball Fight with Daughter E at Oberlin College
So I did what any logical person would do: I took a vacation. It was Spring Break, and my husband and I had planned a 5-day trip to take our high school junior (now senior) to visit 6 colleges in the Midwest. We wanted to do it while we could because we knew that after the surgery, I would need 6 ½ weeks of daily radiation treatments and might not be able to get away during the summer. The trip was a great distraction, but as soon as we got home, I made an appointment with the surgeon and scheduled my lumpectomy for the following week.
The surgery went perfectly. The surgeon removed the tumor and the area around it, as well as three lymph nodes which tested negative: the cancer had not spread to them. A week later, I returned to the surgeon’s office for more good news: The final pathology report showed that the “margins” or edges of the material he had removed were clean, meaning that all of the targeted cancer cells had probably been removed. The only worrisome thing to my husband and me were some figures in the report that seemed a little scary, particularly a “grade” of 3, meaning the cancer was aggressive. My surgeon was unconcerned, and my oncologist said that she would order a genetic test called Oncotype DX to more conclusively determine my chances of having the cancer recur.
A few weeks went by as I recovered from the surgery and waited for the results of the Oncotype test. I was expecting to start radiation soon when my medical oncologist called with the test results. They indicated that I was at a moderately high risk of recurrence. She was recommending that I have chemo.
This was the first time the other Big C word had been mentioned, and for some reason, “chemotherapy” scared me more than “cancer.” The oncologist explained that the type of chemo she was recommending was “well-tolerated” and without all of the serious long-term consequences of other treatments. I wasn’t convinced, and I began frantically researching the chemo itself and alternatives to it.
Walking and thinking in a cypress swamp
I was in a panic. On the one hand, I’ve always believed in fighting disease with nutrition and had always been opposed to taking any medication if it could be avoided. On the other hand, hadn’t I been doing just that for the past 20 years? My oncologist was telling me that chemo could reduce my risk of having the cancer recur and spread, that preventing it now would be much easier than trying to stop if it spread to my other organs. I went back and forth, one day deciding that chemo was just too dangerous and the next deciding that I didn’t want to take the risk of the cancer coming back. I was, frankly, a mess. I couldn’t sleep or eat for worrying about the chemo. I finally decided to get a second opinion from a highly recommended breast cancer oncologist at the University Medical Center.
My second opinion doctor came back with the same recommendation as the first: Have the chemo. She assured me that I was young (me!) and healthy and I could handle it. And it would cut my chance of recurrence in half.
My husband was very careful to stand back and let me make the decision for myself, but I knew that he hoped that I would have the chemo. And I was afraid that if I didn’t have it, I would be anxious for the rest of my life, afraid that I hadn’t done everything I possibly could to prevent a recurrence. I’d read the stories of people who had fought their cancer with diet and lifestyle choices, but those people weren’t already eating a whole foods, plant-based diet like I was.
So I decided to do the chemo, four rounds, three weeks apart. I read everything I could find about the treatments and armed myself with supplements that could help prevent side effects. And I found out my oncologist was right: the treatments, though no fun, we’re not as bad as I’d feared. My side effects were minimal, the most annoying being a bad taste in my mouth that would come and go and made it difficult to create new recipes.
Just after my initial diagnosis, I’d begun getting up at 5:30 every morning and walking with my husband and our dog. During chemo, and later radiation, I considered it a point of honor that I never missed a walk. On the weekends, my family and I tried to get out of the house and do a little hiking or local sightseeing so that I wouldn’t feel like the treatment was making me isolated. I ate lots of fruits and vegetables to support my immune system and was careful to avoid coming into contact with people who were sick, and I sailed through my summer of chemo without so much as a sniffle.
A Visit to “My” Lake at Montreat, NC
When chemo ended, I was determined to take a family vacation before I had to start radiation therapy, so at the beginning of August, we spent a week in the mountains of North Carolina and a few days in Nashville, seeing my newest niece for the first time (and, of course, my brother and sister-in-law).
I got back home and jumped right into daily radiation treatments–33 of them. Again, the treatments weren’t nearly as bad as I expected, but I was thrilled when they ended last week. I couldn’t wait to put all of this cancer stuff behind me.
I didn’t write about this while it was going on mainly because I was afraid that people would offer suggestions and criticisms of my decision to go through with chemo and radiation, and I just couldn’t risk the additional stress that would have put on me. So why am I telling you now? Even though this blog is recipe-oriented and not usually very personal, I wasn’t sure if I could go on writing it if I had to pretend like something this big hadn’t happened to me, something that has consumed the last eight months of my life and has changed the way I see myself and the way I think about diet, veganism, and health.
My first month post-diagnosis, before I had the specter of chemo to worry me, all I could think about was “why” and “how”: Why did I, a vegan who tries to eat healthy, get cancer when no one else in my Standard American Diet-eating family has ever had cancer? What had I done wrong? Had I eaten too few nuts? Too little cilantro? Not enough flax seeds? BPA? Soy?! I worried that I had caused my cancer by never being able to get to my goal weight and stay there, that I didn’t exercise consistently, that I had had only one child late in life and that I hadn’t breastfed her long enough.
I was blaming myself, and I had a lot of help from the Internet. I couldn’t visit Facebook without seeing posts about how eating X (broccoli, nuts, soy, orange) would help prevent cancer. Or people posting about their frustration that a friend or family member had breast cancer and refused to treat it by adopting a plant-based diet. If I, someone who had been eating all the right things (and not eating all the wrong ones), got the message that I was to blame for my cancer, how must other cancer patients feel, the ones who hadn’t been stuffing themselves with kale and mushrooms? Is there a way to promote a plant-based diet that doesn’t point the finger of blame, that doesn’t make grand promises of health, and that doesn’t make people like me feel so confident in the invincibility of our diets that we put off mammograms or other screening tests?
I don’t know. But for me, it’s been helpful to think of the vegan diet as promoting health, but not providing a “Get out of Disease Free” card. My friend Maria made me see that even if my diet didn’t prevent me from getting cancer, perhaps the cancer would have grown much more quickly if I hadn’t been vegan. Perhaps I wouldn’t have sailed through chemo without ever needing nausea meds if I hadn’t been nourishing my body with fruits and vegetables. Perhaps my immune system wouldn’t have stayed as strong as it did or my energy as high if I had been consuming animal products.
It’s also been helpful to me to remember my real reason for being vegan. Though I’ve followed a McDougall-type diet ever since I became vegan, my ultimate reason for becoming vegan was not to improve my own health but to decrease the suffering of animals. So if you’re reading this and worrying that I’m going to be another vegan blogger who goes back to eating animals for her own health, don’t. No diagnosis in the world could convince me to eat another animal or animal product.
As for my current health, I feel great, and I’m confident that I caught this cancer early and have done and am doing everything medically and nutritionally possible to make sure I never have to worry about it again. I’ve tweaked my diet to reduce or eliminate foods I don’t need (sugar, soy, wine, and coffee) and to increase those I wasn’t eating enough of before (broccoli sprouts, flax seeds, organics). I walk at least once and sometimes twice a day, and soon I’ll be starting a workout routine at the gym. I plan to lose the extra weight I’ve been carrying around, which is the biggest threat to my health.
I think the hardest struggle I’ve faced isn’t physical but emotional. My image of myself as a healthy person who never took pills and was confident her vegan diet would protect her from anything–that image took a pretty big hit. I’ve been worried about “coming out” as a vegan with cancer for fear that non-vegans would see it as proof that a vegan diet “doesn’t work” and that some vegans would skewer me for resorting to traditional medicine. In the end, I decided that I had to put my truth out there so that I can get past it and get back to blogging as usual. Next post, you can expect a recipe. Cancer isn’t on the menu.
Loki has become an excellent therapy cat–when he isn’t destroying the house.
Thank you to all my family, friends, and friends of friends who offered love and support. And to my church, the Unitarian-Universalist Church of Jackson, and my parents’ church, The First Presbyterian Church of Hammond, LA (love the shawl and cap, y’all!) And to Maria Maggi, Nava Atlas, Dreena Burton, and Stephanie Weaver–wise women all, whose words of advice and offers of support helped me more than they probably know.
Nora
Thank you for including us in your thinking. I too would not change my diet for anything, having chosen it for the same reasons you stated.
As far as cancer and food go, we can all only do the best we can because the world is poisoned.
Stephanie Watson
You are awesome and I’m so glad you “came out”. My husband and I did start eating this way as a preventative, due to his brother dying of cancer. I know for him it would be a real shock if anything happened, and I’m sure you experienced such a huge shock too. But, the truth is we can do everything perfect and still get sick. Disease isn’t a punishment for “bad behavior”. I’m glad you had support and got the help you needed. I didn’t know you were Unitarian, so am I. Thank you for sharing your truth. I feel like you’ve done a wonderful service to everyone by doing so and I agree with all that you said 100 percent.
Usha
A brave and sweet post, Susan! Being mindful and vegan is a good thing for so many reasons, and as Maria said, I am certain it retards the growth of disease and reduces the impact of treatment. It is also kinder to other living beings, so it earns no negative karma. I pray that you will be well and have many more years of health, happiness and good recipes 🙂
Some additional thoughts:
However, all our bodies will eventually come up with some sort of problem in the course of time, no matter how well we take care of them. I often think of the story of Buddha and the Mustard Seed which I share here too… http://www.sacred-texts.com/bud/btg/btg85.htm.
Also, I often chant this powerful mantra, especially when overcome occasionally by a realization of the ‘uncontrollables’ of life…meaning and chant below: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mahamrityunjaya_Mantra
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWMGzksNH_M
It is said to prevent an untimely or accidental departure from life. I said it for you just now, as I say it nearly every day for my family.
Usha
Yikes, meant to say…no religion being promoted here! Just spiritual stuff.
SallyT
All the best to you. May you continue to heal and continue to bless us with your courage.
Mollyjade
Thank you so much for your honesty. I’ve always admired you, and now I do even more. Wishing you health and peace with yourself.
Meaghann
I am so sorry to hear about this. Your post w touched home with me. I am coming up on a year since my surgery to remove my thyroid that had cancer. I too felt some what amune, I was vegan plant-based.lots of good foods. I went to the appointment by myself, everyone told me I had such low odds of it being cancer. But man when the hit you with the “C” word it’s like a sucker punch to the gut.
Glad things are going better
leah
Im so glad you are able to share this. I think you are one hell of a brave woman. Thank you for all you have contributed to my life and your strength.
Carol Gerling
Thank You so much for sharing your courageous journey. I hope you have a full recovery with no recurrence.
Beth
I just went through practically the same thing you did, except I did not have the Onco test because my tumor was under a cm so I did not have the option of chemo. I had a bilateral mastectomy and will take Tamoxifen for at least five years. I had been vegan for about 4 years prior and felt really betrayed. After my surgery I was worried about healing and protein and just kind of mad in general so I ate whatever my husband made me! It’s time now though to get back to my vegan lifestyle, which I have this past week and I feel so good!
I am eliminating soy as well, coffee may take some time!
Take good care of yourself and thanks for sharing.
Romi
Hi Susan. Thank you for writing this post. I’ve been quietly following your blog for a long time. I worked at the Cancer Council Australia some years ago and unfortunately we just don’t know enough about cancer. I wish we did. It’s never as easy as avoid a, do b, implement c. I hope you keep being strong and taking care of yourself. I truly hope no one around you judges the choices you’ve made, and if they do it’s on them. And I wish you all the best in your recovery.
Vikki
Wow, what a journey you’ve had. Thanks for sharing your courage and experience. Prayers for your continued good health.
VM
Bless you Susan! Thank you for all you share with us. You are such a strong, wise woman.
I send much love.
anu
Thanks for sharing your story and your journey. We’ll keep you in our thoughts. For healing, health and joy.
Sharon Herbitter
I knew something was going on and even thought it might be just what it was. I know you did exactly the best thing and I’m so proud of you for everything that you’ve been through these past nine months. And proud of you for “coming out,” too. I’ve got a biopsy coming up and have been wondering how to handle the results if they’re not what I want them to be and I’m going to keep your example in mind. Yay you!!!
kate s
Susan,
i’ve been reading your blog for so many years. i am so sorry you went through all of this but i think you did the exact right thing for you and honestly i would have done and felt just the same. i wish you more good health and can’t wait for many more years of amazing recipes. thank you so much for sharing.
Barb
I hear you! As a vegetarian with a healthy and active lifestyle and underweight, I didn’t think I would get cancer either, but I was diagnosed with Stage 1 grade 3 estrogen receptive tumor. I honestly thought I was immune. I was frantic and had stacks of books researching and researching. Finally a friend told me to put them away. I made the decision to have all the recommended treatments. I found the holistic health community very judgmental so I avoided them as well. I have been cancer free for 4 years so far. I wish you all the best in this roller coaster of a journey 🙂
Susan Voisin
Thank you so much, Barb. That’s exactly what I had, too–our experiences sound so much alike. I wish you continued success and good health. Let me know when you get to the 10-year mark, and I’ll bake you a cake!
Barb
When I read your blog, I was stunned by the similarities. You articulated the experience so well! I am writing an article and if you would like some input, please email me. Blessings to you and yours.
Amanda
I really enjoyed reading your story. I can understand how you would try to figure out why this happened, and what you might have done “wrong”. But just like your friend told you, you have done your body so much good, that things could have been much worse. I have a blog about taking care of my grandma. She was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer, and the oncologist pretty much wrote her off, because she was 90 at the time. She didn’t want to take any form of treatments because of side effects. So I decided to do a lot of research on what kind of body cancer DOESN’T like. And I found so many things. Luckily we were able to drop her cancer markers by half and shock the doctors in the process. But one other thing I have come to realize about any disease, is that it’s not just diet and exercise. It’s also our minds. It’s our thoughts and feelings. Basically we all experience stress in some way or another. So I think that there is a lot that goes into dis-ease. There is a book that has been very helpful to my family called, “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay. I recommend it for everyone.
I’m so glad you are doing well. You have a very positive attitude and that will take you far. I wish you the best in everything.
n
WOW! I really love that you wrote about this! Veggies are awesome for health, but cancer happens and I am just glad that you found it early and kicked it to the curb!
Noelle
Thank you for being brave enough to share your story and I am so sorry you had to go through this. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Life is so short, you did what you needed to seize it and fight for your future. I am glad you are on the other side of this and hope that you will remain there. May the next chapter be filled with peace and love.
Bob Highfill
Thank you for sharing your story. Your UU friends extend well beyond Jackson. We are UU’s in Oak Ridge, TN, and have a monthly Esselstyn dinner group of UU’s that we cherish. We love your recipes and use them often. Best wishes for much happiness and health
Linda
You are brave, amazing, spiritual and so very, very kind for sharing your experience. In the face of this terrible ordeal you chose to share – your thoughts, feelings and insecurities. I wish you a lifetime of good health and happiness. You deserve it! Vegan, vegetarian or meat and potatoes; you have to be true to yourself, and you are.
I love your blog and your recipes. You were instrumental in helping me transition to a vegetarian (no, I am not vegan) diet. I lost 20 pounds and, happily, a lifetime of painful autoimmune and inflammatory diseases.
You are appreciated and most of all loved.
sharon
THANK YOU for this article.
Carol M
Thank you so much for sharing this. I started eating plantbased (Dr F’s ETL) primarily for my health. I have a real fear of cancer, as both of my parents died from it. I do know that there is no “Get out of cancer free” card, and I do agree that eating nutritious food full of vitamins, minerals, antioxidants and phytonutrients is my best chance to prevent the disease, or if I do get it, to get through it as easily as possible. Wishing you the best.
Jessica @ Dairy Free Betty
You are incredible and strong – amazing post and I’m glad you kicked it’s ass! thank you for sharing your journey! xo
Theresa
All the best for the future and stop beating yourself up! Cancer can come from anywhere to healthy eating/exercising people and I agree with Marie – perhaps the cancer would have grown much more quickly if you hadn’t been vegan. Perhaps you wouldn’t have sailed through chemo without ever needing nausea meds if you hadn’t been nourishing your body with fruits and vegetables. Perhaps your immune system wouldn’t have stayed as strong as it did or your energy as high if you had been consuming animal products.
liz
Thank you for sharing your experience. We all need a reminder that there are things we can’t control. Best wishes for no recurrence and good health! 🙂
Rhonda
Thank you for sharing your story. You are far too hard on yourself, but I am glad you came to the understanding that eating healthy does not mean we will never become ill with cancer, or any other disease. We do the best we can, and some of us will become ill even though we eat a plant-based healthy diet and live a healthy life, and others who eat crap and never exercise will live long lives. Glad to hear you are feeling better and confident with your treatment choices. Stay strong and healthy.
Hannah
Susan,
The comments below echo my own sentiments: how happy I am to hear how well you handled harsh news and harsher treatment; what a gift you, your writing, and your recipes are to the community; how gracefully and eloquently you’re able to share this story, despite how personal it is and how critical mass audiences can be; how grateful I am, particularly, for how you’ve continued to positively influence my life and health choices over the last six and a half years.
Thank you — for everything.
Sue
Thanks so much for sharing your story. Even though I am not vegan, I have changed my lifestyle significantly and share some of your feelings of being immune to disease and unwilling to take conventional medications. I see that having a healthy lifestyle doesn’t give us any guarantees. I and many others believe in what you’re doing. Stay strong and positive. My thoughts are with you. Sue
Lisa
This is a really terrific post. Firstly, I’m thrilled you are doing better!! But it was also interesting to see how an “all-natural” vegan dealt with the sometimes toxic style treatments of cancer. I am not nearly as healthy an eater as you are, but if I got a cancer diagnosis, I too would struggle with accepting chemo and radiation. I’m sure I’d ultimately come to the same conclusion you did. You choose what makes you feel the best. And none of this would sway me from thinking a vegan diet is healthy (vegetarian, here) – anyone who would use this post as fodder against a vegan diet is just a Negative Nancy and we don’t listen to them anyway.
Chuck Johnson
I hope you feel better, both physically and emotionally! Your lasagna recipe has a lot of people in my running group exploring the possibility of becoming vegans. Consider this the good that you do. I try your recipes out on other non-vegan friends and they’re impressed with them. My wife eats “mostly vegan.” If we did not have your tasty recipes, we would not be eating as well. Take care!
Ginger Meier
Thank you for sharing your story. Prayers for continued healing.
Ashley
Hello,
I just wanted to reach out to tell you that I think every person with cancer thinks these things. Just last month I found out I had melanoma. We caught it early, but they did recommend I do additional surgery above taking out the tumor. I declined, and while I might always wonder if I made the right decision, I will push myself more to eat as healthy as possible and enjoy life NOW. It’s so hokey, but until your life flashes before your eyes, you take most days for granted. No more. My life, and your life is too precious. I’m glad the worst is over for you, and while it’s awful, it’s nice to know there is a community for coming together over “the big C”. Much light & love to you <3
rachel
I am in tears as I read this. You are so brave and strong. I truly appreciate the fact that you opened up and were honest about your cancer journey. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I am so grateful and glad that you are doing so much better now though.
I was relieved to hear you mention the “vegan = ultimate immunity” belief that is being preached . I cringe every time I see someone in the vegan community tout veganism as a cure all for every disease out there. It’s so far from the truth. Eating a vegan diet does not guarantee ultimate health and it does not automatically make us immune to every disease. I’m so tired of seeing the shaming and blaming of those who do end up getting sick. Being told they must’ve done something wrong. There is no magic cape that makes us immune.
You are a strong, courageous woman. I have always admired your cooking talent and now your honesty. Thank you.
Beth
Thank you for sharing your story. I needed to read it. I am constantly hearing about family member’s ailments and thinking if they just ate a vegan diet all would be well. But the reality is nothing is 100%. That really should have sunk in for me after my brother was born even though my dad had had the “100%” effective birth control of a vasectomy. I think I come across as blaming people including my mom for their illnesses if they don’t choose a vegan diet. That’s not helpful. So, again, thank you for sharing.
Bonnie
Thanks for sharing your story.
Kim Mathis
Thank you for your story. This is something I worry about for myself. I do have breast cancer in my family, and have already had a brush with per-cancerous cells on my cervix that had to be removed some years ago. I know it’s been a difficult 8 months for you, but you are a very strong woman. It took guts to go through it silently & even more guts to share your story. Thank you for being an inspiration to me in my diet as well as in life. Love & light to you & here’s hoping your cancer is gone for good.
Marybeth
Oh, Dearest Susan, I love you & thank you for sharing your story, your journey… when I saw the title, I said, “oh, no!” Am glad you are doing well & certainly it was evident that your fam & friends were there & you were astute enough to get more opinions… so very smart… I’m at a loss for words but my heart is hooked to yours right now… xo, Marybeth, cyber hugs
cheryl
Susan, as I began to read your story I got goosebumps. That whole senario minus having a child was me twelve years ago. I myself worked in a field where I am exposed to low level radiation every day. I blamed my job at first then my doctor said to me , you know Cheryl, I have have women who come in here every day who have never worked in Radiology with your diagnosis so stop beating yourself up on how you got it and concern yourself with getting better. He was right -Cancer doesn’t care who you are or what type of work you do or what you eat.. As far as doing the chemo I am glad you made the decision you did. I did as well feel that thought of– God, what is this stuff doing to me. But my husband put it into perspective for me when he said Cancer is not natural so fight it with things that are unnatural. I am still here and still a Vegan-12 years later. I am still cancer free. You go girl you are now a survivor of breast cancer!!! Be proud of your choice to fight and never look back and question the decisions you’ve made. Now lets eat!!!!!
Jo Royle
Thank you for sharing this with us. Fighting the same battle-I do believe being a vegan puts us in a better and stronger state of health to fight off any disease and lessen any side-effects of chemo and radiation. Good Luck!